Not the first Thursday

Mondays child is fair of face,

Tuesdays child is full of grace,

Wednesdays child is full of woe,

Thursdays child has far to go,

Fridays child is loving and giving,

Saturdays child works hard for his living,

And the child that is born on the Sabbath dayIs bonny and blithe,

and good and gay.

It’s Thursday. A lot always happens on Thursday. I was born on Thursday. My daughter was born on Thursday. My first trip to OA was on Thursday and my main meeting has remained on Thursday. That means I met D. on Thursday and when he asked me out, it was a Thursday. 23 weeks ago today, actually.
So yes, Thursdays hold some sort of magical meaning for me.

Thursday’s child has far to go. So far to go.
It’s the last day of the month, so all I want to do is eat, all day and then “START OVER” tomorrow. But tomorrow, all I’ll do is tell myself it’s Friday, so I should eat all weekend and “START OVER” on Monday. And it doesn’t matter how much I tell myself that I’m not “STARTING OVER” that it’s NOT “THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE” that it isn’t a “NEW BEGINNING”, I always think it will me. Today is by no means, my first Thursday.
In the past, it’s been “The first day of the month” or “The first day of the year” or “The first day of the week” or “A week from tomorrow WHEN it’s the first day of the __________” Never ever works. I’ve never once been able to rise to that. It’s just always been too much pressure.

I weighed myself today. I weigh less than the doctor’s scale said (YAY!) and more than I did at my lowest a month or more ago. People still come up and comment on my weight loss and I graciously thank them and smile modestly and feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet.
Every bad habit that I’ve ever had, from stealing and lying to eating out of the trash can is back. It was effortless, like falling back on a bed. The disease enveloped me in a warm cloud of food and welcomed me home.
And God is gone. Nowhere to be found. Okay, nowhere that I’m willing to look, because I don’t know what that means anymore. HP. I better figure out quickly, before I put 60 pounds back on!!!
So, for today, I thank the Sky for abstinence, all 12 hours of it and I thank the Sky for helping me to turn down the food that is at every corner and I’m just going to turn it all over to the Sky and let the Sky deal with it. For today, a Thursday, it’s all I can do. I still have so far to go.